Awkward School Move; Peppa Plastic Pollution; New Car Laws for Kids: The (almost real) Parent News w/c 17/11/2023
Here's what has (or hasn't) been happening in the world of parenting this week...
MUM FORCED TO MOVE CHILD TO DIFFERENT SCHOOL OVER NAME BLUNDER
Woman has left it too long to ask name of parent she’s befriended in the playground
The Mum of a Year 3 pupil has admitted that it’s her fault her daughter will have to move school in the middle of term.
Emily Parpington’s daughter has been attending Bowed-in-the-Leg primary school since reception, where she has been described by more than 3 teachers as “a pupil.”
But owing to a social faux-pas by her mother, 8-year-old Poppy may now have to move to a neighbouring village school; with a uniform that was described by one child as “a bit pooey looking.”
“I feel terrible.”
“I’ve grown to know a lot of parents and carers at the school, as you do. But this term, a new child joined Poppy’s class,” Mrs Parpington told us as she made it all about herself.
(The school were keen to point out it isn’t actually Poppy’s class; she is merely a pupil.)
“Well, I got chatting to her Mum… just pleasantries at first, but then we got more friendly as the weeks went on.”
“We did introduce ourselves,” admits the part-time pamphlet reader. “But, to be honest, it went in one ear and out the other.”
“And now I’ve let it go on for so long that it’s just too awkward to ask.”
Mrs Parpington says she has tried finding out the name of the Mum of the new girl in class, but, somewhat predictably, Poppy had absolutely no idea because it’s not her job to know.
It is believed that Mrs Parpington has also attended no less than 4-but-maybe-only-3 birthday parties at weekends in the hope of overhearing the new Mum be addressed by less self-obsessed adults.
“It doesn’t help that she’s not even in the Whatsapp group,” Parpington tell us, in a rather blame-shifting tone.
We did try approaching the Mum in question for a comment, but we don’t know her name and felt too shy to ask.
PLASTIC POLLUTION CRISIS COULD ALL BE PEPPA PIG’S FAULT
Ocean wildlife absolutely sick to death of seeing George’s toy dinosaur.
Researchers at Half Hard University in the general north of England have discovered that Peppa Pig and her entire family could single-trottedly be responsible for the plastic that is clogging up the planet.
After using Google Maps and zooming in using their camera phones, the research team led by Dr Geraldine Gaffney, discovered tonnes of plastic Peppas floating in and around the oceans of the world.
“What we are seeing is shocking,” Dr Gaffney told us from her secret laboratory, probably in a cave or somewhere
“Sharks who have been on this planet as long as the dinosaurs, are coming face-to-face with tiny little plastic green dinosaurs.
“It’s not just harmful to their physical safety; it scares the living daylights out of them because they thought they were past all that.”
Awful Tasting
As well as George’s toy dinosaur, the scientists have been able to observe turtles giving rides to toy Daddy pigs, and a seal attempting to recreate a funfair ride with Peppa Pig and Susie Sheep, instead of looking for fish.
But where is all this plastic coming from?
Professor “Please, just call me Barb” knows.
“It’s the plastic toys that come on the front of CBeebies magazines that parents and carers buy their children to keep them quiet so they can look at their phones.”
The research has led to some quite upsetting scenes, Barb admitted.
“We’ve observed humpback whales taking in hundreds of Mummy pigs. It’s our understanding they’ve been hoping to replace the taste of krill with that of pork scratchings.
“But as we know. Plastic just tastes bloody awful.”
Without the completely made-up figure of 426 million tonnes of Peppa Pig and family bits from the front of magazines, the research team predicted plastic pollution could be eradicated by, say, 2057 or something.
“It’s not just about the plastic pollution,” chirps in researcher and keen batch-cooker Chip Chimcharoo. “Without these pointless bits of cr*p on the front of magazines, parents and carers could save an average £4.2 million per household.”
We approached Peppa Pig for comment, but she was being a bit bratty and emasculating Daddy Pig with her disrespectful attitude.
NO FOOD IN NEW CAR POLICY EXPIRES
The ruling was violated by a bag of Wotsits on trip to children’s farm
Two parents who agreed on a No Food In The New Car rule say they can “work through it” after one caved in and bought two bags of Wotsits at a roadside garage.
Kevin and Anthony Book-Bag decided that there would be no snacks in the new car once it had been collected from the dealership.
Excited
The couple who are parents to May-June, 3, and Nor-Man, 5, made the announcement to their children once the car was on the drive of their house on the outskirts of somewhere.
“They were so excited to see it,” says Kevin, a self-employed goldfish shepherd.
“We told them, there would be no food in the car; only when we arrive somewhere,” confirmed Anthony, the less fun one of the two.
“At first they moaned a bit,” Anthony says. “But once we told them our first trip out would be to the Footun Mouth Farm, they were just so excited.”
All Over the Seats
Despite May-June and Nor-Man putting their feet all over the seats within minutes, Anthony says both he and Kevin couldn’t wait to get on the road.
“It was just such a good feeling, knowing we’d both agreed on this rule and we were going to parent it together,” says Anthony.
However, less than 26 minutes into the journey, things turned sour.
“I needed petrol,” says Anthony. “And that’s when it happened.”
What followed next can only be described as a “huge orangey mess”. (If you only ask Anthony.)
“There were handprints all over the headrests. May-June had spat out a Wotsit onto the seat, and Norm had run his cheesy fingers all along the door panelling.”
“In my defence, the children were hungry,” adds Kevin, in a way that might suggest that’s more important than a rule his partner would most likely break as soon as he was within 5 minutes of a McDonald’s drive-thru on his own.
The new car - a 2017 black one, might be a Peugeot or a Skoda perhaps - did come with a 6-month warranty.
We reached out to the dealership the Book-Bags bought the car from, who issued this statement:
“Is it covered for cheese stains? What you on about?”
Anthony and Kevin are currently working through their issues, ahead of a new cream 3-piece-suite being delivered on Wednesday.
A MESSAGE FROM THE EDITOR
In my own parenting news…
Last Saturday our son, A-Dogg, decided he didn’t need to wear wellies for the park. The very muddy, boggy park. So his trainers got all messed up.
Today, ahead of football training, he grew anxious about wearing school shoes for football. So I dashed out today, bought some new trainers, delivered them to school, and waited to pick him up after football.
Only to find he’d told the teacher, “I’m going to try them on when I get home.”
Here’s to a fun, happy, love-filled week of parenting.
Al x