Law to prevent parents greeting teachers in supermarkets; Non-Uniform lies exposed; Child's Mum's real bedtime rule exposed.
We take a look at a new law that is entirely made up to protect teachers from not getting what they need for dinner. We uncover a decades-old untruth affecting our children. And bedtime news.
New Guidelines for Teachers & Parents
Legislation to outline how to greet teachers bumped into out-of-school.
A new law is being proposed which, it is hoped, will spare teachers any needless conversation whilst they do their supermarket shopping.
The new ruling will implement tougher measures for parents who like a good natter when they see their child’s teacher in a public place.
Only Went In For Some Cheese
It is thought the restrictions will be enforced in places such as supermarkets initally, but could be developed to include theme parks, and pubs.
The news has been welcomed by a made-up teaching governing body Please Recognise A Teacher’s Space, or PRATS.
Miranda Slaughterhouse is Chief Talker for the group. She says some parents don’t recognise boundaries.
If a teacher is nipping to the supermarket on their way home, I don’t think it’s fair they should then have to engage in pleasantries with one of their student’s parents. Especially if they only went in for some cheese.
Parents on one school’s Facebook group, used largely to enquire if tomorrow is non-uniform day and to leave passive/aggressive comments about car parking, have welcomed the news.
Candi Loopfrotter, whose profile picture is from 7 years ago and is heavily filtered, posted:
“Nice one! Jay’s teacher saw me in my ‘jamas when I was getting some Jam Shed last week. Snotty cow gave me a right look.
Angela Puppystick, who is a kitten with a helmet made out lime according to her profile, wrote:
I never know whether to call them Sir, Miss, or their actual name. You don’t need it when you’re trying to work out if crispy pancakes need defrosting.
We did approach a teacher for comment, but we were in a supermarket and they shoved a trolley at us and told us to go away.
Research Puts End To Decades-long Lies in Schools
100% of children claim to have known the truth all along.
An untruth that has been perpetuated in schools for generations has been found to have been ineffectual all along.
The non-uniform day can occur several times across a calendar year, providing students with the opportunity to wear clothes of their own choice, or whatever has been washed, for a small donation.
However, at least one child per school in the UK will forget each time.
It’s Actually The Parents.
Now new research has revealed that the style information given to students by parents, as it is actually the parents who forget, is not fashionably binding.
Nor has it been believed by any child, ever.
We spoke to Amy Cuttleparp from 27 Wood Lane, Biverton, East Yorks, HU84 6KY, who asked to remain anonymous. We’re calling her Jeff.
It never happened to me when I was at school. But the school did something for Help The Chicken Herders last term, and I forgot. My son Clint, who you can call Clint, turned up in his uniform.
I told him if he took his jumper and tie off, it’d look like he was in non-uniform.
Despite Clint following his Mum’s advice, and still having to pay £1, both Clint and everyone in the school knew he had forgotten it was non-uniform day.
Dr. Sammy McPammy carried out the research.
We found that when we took off a tie and a jumper, or mentioned that school shoes look a bit like trainers, nobody believed it was non-uniform. Not one person. Not even the parent.
Dr. Pammy is now asking all parents to carry at least a hoodie with them on every school run to save embarrassment.
Meanwhile his team’s next project will be looking into whether parents do actually message the school when they’ve lost that form that came back with their child and they could swear it was on the side ready to fill in.
Woman Says She Doesn’t Actually Let Her Child Do Lots.
Claims her house is “way more fun” not based on fact.
A woman has been forced to share details of her homelife after claims made by her 14-year-old daughter’s friend.
Meena Curtainrail first found out about the allegations made against her when chatting to a fellow mother, as they waited together for the overly officious receptionist to open the school gate.
Meena, who hasn’t been offered any money for this story because we’ve only got a tenner to see us through to payday, said she was shocked by what she heard.
We should point out, Meena’s voice has been written by an actor.
She said to me, “Whenever my Dennis comes round to play with your Deena, he’s a nightmare afterwards. I think I’m quite a boring parent next to you.”
The boring parent then went on to list a series of accusations/really cool things levelled at her by one of the few children to be called Dennis these days. These included:
Her daughter, Deena, not having to go to bed until she’s finished watching an 18-certificate film if she wants.
Having Nando’s for tea every night.
Probably going to Disneyworld AND Universal Studios this year.
Deena being allowed to swear in front of her Mum.
Meena said she was gobsmacked, in a metaphorical sense, by the accusations, which she refutes wholeheartedly.
“I’ve got a restriction on what she can watch. We had mince with gravy and frozen veg last night. We’re probably going to Butlins if I can get a deal in the paper. And I’d like to see what happens if she tries it.”
It is believed that the mother of Dennis then put these denials to him, after which he stated: “Oh my days, it’s so unfair. You never believe anything I say. I’m going on my X-Box.”
UPDATE
Since this story first came to light, Dennis’ Mum has actually taken her son and Deena to the cinema to see a 15 rating. Even though they’re only 14.
Dennis’ Mum now officially “slays”, according to several people in his year.
I can't believe there's a law to stop parents from chatting with teachers at the supermarket! 🛒 Excellent work, fantastic writing! 📰👏