The (almost real) Parent News: 10th Nov 2023
Parenting news from around the UK as it may, or may not have happened.
PARENTS CAMPAIGN FOR BETTER REACTION TO NEWS THEIR CHILD IS THE DONKEY.
“We’re just asking for people to pretend it’s as good a part as Mary or Joseph.”
A couple are appealing to parents of children who get good parts in the nativity, to at least humour them this year.
For the last three years Ellis and Melinda Wadeysoot have watched on nervously as the school-run conversation has turned to the roles in the nativity.
“In Year 1, our Keith was a sheep,” says Ellis, a spatula repairman from we think he said Ipswich. “Last year he was a cow. And this year he’s a donkey.”
Innkeeper Idiot
Despite the awkward reaction from other parents whose children have far better roles, Keith’s Mum, Melinda, is proud of how her son’s talents have developed ahead of this year’s play.
“It’s a bigger part than the innkeeper,” the mother-of-two told us. “Mary rode to Bethlehem on a donkey, didn’t she? There’s a song about it and everything. There’s not a song about an innkeeper.”
However, the donkey that Keith will play won’t be the same one that carried the expectant mother from Nazareth.
“His official role is Donkey Number 3,” Ellis confirms. “And this is why we are starting our campaign.”
They want a rule passed that grants them the same reaction from other parents that is afforded to the Mums and Dads of children in the lead roles.
“I’m always delighted when I hear who’s got the role of Mary or Joseph,” says Melissa. “Then the conversation comes around to us, and Keith, and all of a sudden the silence kicks in, and people start stroking my arm and giving me sympathetic looks.”
One source said even the innkeeper’s Dad felt too awkward to make eye contact with the couple.
The Headmaster of Finchbottom Parsley C of E did confirm the proposed rule would be discussed at the next PTA meeting. In January.
“It’s too late for things to change this year,” Ellis admits. “But we hope it will be put into action in time for next Christmas, because little Keith has got his heart set on being a Wise Man’s camel.”
And despite other parents’ facial expressions, the Wadeysoots have said they will definitely be attending this year’s nativity to support Keith, and their younger daughter Elsbeth, who is playing the part of second hay bail.
Talent Search For New Mum & Dad
Lead judge revealed.
Producers are on the lookout for a new Mum and Dad to take part in a brand-new talent show.
Plans for the show were first revealed just before teatime on Tuesday evening.
In the build-up to the announcement, the show’s creator - 8-year-old Josh Bumblebird - had asked his Dad if he could have a chocolate biscuit.
James Bumblebird, a self-employed foot-itcher from Crabbydrawers near Leicester, denied his son’s request, telling him that his “tea will be ready soon."
Not Fair!
Upon hearing this news, it is reported that Josh stormed upstairs to where his Mum was working on something that has to be in for Friday but we’re not sure what.
Josh asked his Mum the same question.
When she explained she thought his dinner was almost ready the Year 4 pupil at Parp Tree Primary proclaimed:
“It’s not fair! I want a new Mum & Dad.”
It’s thought the criteria for auditions, which will begin immediately, will be fairly open with Josh’s only proviso being that hopefuls don’t “always stop me from having fun.”
The competition is expected to run for 4 weeks.
(Or until bedtime when Josh will most likely forget about it and ask his Mum how many goats a dragon can eat.)
RETIRING TEACHER REVEALS: “WE CAN ALWAYS SEE IT”
School veteran drops bombshell at farewell presentation.
A retiring primary school teacher has left parents and carers devastated after making an earth-shattering announcement during her retirement speech.
65-year-old Janet Clubberchuck shared some emotional anecdotes as she accepted a card and some expensed flowers from the school Headteacher at Dorothy Witchleg Primary, near Sheffield.
And then Mrs Clubberchuck wiped a tear as she revealed what generations of parents thought they’d got away with all these years.
Taking off her glasses to clean them on her lilac M&S jumper, the Year 4 teacher, who has a grown-up son that’s “quite high-up at the local council”, gave a mischievous grin to her teaching assistant before announcing:
“In the morning, when you wipe a stain off your child’s jumper and tell them nobody will see it…
Well, we can always see it.”
An audible gasp was heard from the gathered well-wishers as the announcement was made.
One mother, whose daughter had taken in a re-gifted Terry’s chocolate orange as a leaving present for her second favourite teacher, told us:
“Nobody was expecting that. You could see the look of horror on everyone’s face. Not just parents, but grandparents too.”
The mother claimed the news did not affect her personally, as she ordered her child to put her coat on and zip it right to the top.
Mrs Clubberchuck, who had been a teacher at the school for four decades before her retirement, was unable to be bothered for a comment.